Ryan Mercer's Thoughts

In 8 days you'll have been dead 23 yeas.

It’s been an interesting year. A pandemic has become an ever-present part of our lives since last year… that virus really took hold. I noticed in my records yesterday that on that day last year 5 citizens of the United States had died to the virus, today the confirmed death toll for the United States stands at 531,456 people with the official worldwide reported total at 2,570,265, but likely higher. 29 million confirmed cases in the United States, almost 116 million confirmed cases worldwide. It’s… been an interesting year.

I got married. April 10th, in a church parking lot because of this COVID-19 virus causing everything to be closed with quarantines and people beginning to shelter in place. Married in a parking lot with mom, my wife Amanda’s 2 parents, Trent Cameron performing the ceremony, and a random fox that trotted by while we stood in visual range of rush hour traffic on 267. We had a more sacred religious ceremony in November as pandemic restrictions relaxed just the tiniest amount. My wife is a teacher, one of 12 children, and comes from Missouri. Her father is a retired builder and effectively a lifelong farmer, her mother is a retired teacher, one of her brothers is a medical doctor and another an eye doctor, the rest are all equally intelligent and driven. She’s got dozens of nieces and nephews too and I’ve met some of them.

It seems I was cursed to live in interesting times. 3 years after you died we saw terrorists slam planes into 2 skyscrapers and the Pentagon, we then entered a large-scale military conflict, then another large-scale military conflict, 20 years later and we’ve spent the past year with everyone wearing masks in public, restaurants largely closed to dine-in eating, limits on toilet paper and paper towels at the grocery, for a while last year it was even hard to get a lot of food at the grocery - especially staple foods like beans, rice, flour.

My wife and I drove out to Brazil last summer, I was going stir crazy being stuck in a small apartment during the lockdown really ramping up, I just got on 40 and headed west. When we started to get close to Brazil I looked up where your dad was buried and went and saw the grave. It was a nice and quiet little cemetery there in Brazil. Dick isn’t buried there, but Rhonda has a plot right next to your dad.

In November we moved into a house we bought in Stilesville, it’s about 20 minutes west of Plainfield off of 40, about 30 minutes east of Brazil. It’s a red brick ranch, with a basement, it’s probably about the size of the house you grew up in and roughly the same age. We do not get residential mail delivery, have to go pick stuff up at the post office, that kinda stinks. We’re also on a well which… yeah it’s pretty stinky water, but we are on town sewer. The house has a little over a half-acre of land with maybe a dozen mature trees and a little clear space in the backyard. I actually spent the past 2 days of my vacation tilling and planting, got 100 onions in and 34 potatoes in. I also got about 80 or 90 seeds started and need to start another 40ish tomorrow plus direct-sow some greens. I’m so sore. Hopefully, there is a decent yield but I’m not sure… our soil is pretty dense silty clay loam. I think it would do corn well, and I do plan to plant a little grinding corn as a test, but next year the plan is to build raised garden beds and fill them with soil much better for the types of things we want to grow, I would have this year but we had to put about 5,000 dollars into the well and water purification right after moving in.

I’m still inactive in the Lodge but I am an active dues payer. There’s a Lodge here in town a couple of blocks over, once the virus calms down and we start to see some sort of return to pre-pandemic life I’m going to go visit it. I’m hesitant to now as I’ve found these small towns out here have a lot of covid-deniers that won’t wear masks despite it being the law in some areas and are generally just flippant about even the simplest measures to protect others from them if they happen to be infected. They did a few EAs last week or the week before but it was a hard pass for me given the virus situation.

Oh, remember the mushroom you gave your dad? I still have it, it sits in my office. But one of the first things I bought when we bought the house was a new one that is virtually identical. I was actually going to start painting it today but wore myself out working on the garden. Sometime this spring I’m going to paint it to be somewhat close to the original and then place it outside in our yard, probably under some of the evergreens not unlike how the original was at your dad’s house. The original will remain in my office until I die. I still have your horse and dog statue from your office too, they’re in the basement and I see them every day when I go down to empty the dehumidifier. An old photo of you and your flag sit in my office too.

I’m 1 year, 7 months, 11 days sober on my current stretch as I write this. Hopefully, I can continue that indefinitely.

Mom is doing ok. She’s still got a lot of health issues but she’s recovering well from her most recent surgery a few weeks ago. She moved in with a friend earlier this year in Avon to be closer to her doctors, and stuff in general. It’s a 20ish minute drive just for us to get to a grocery store.

Bun is well too. These days he spends his time in a cabinet, just sitting there greeting me with a smile when I open the door to get my razor or any number of other things. I love that little dude, he’s always there for me.

I heard your voice for the first time in 2 decades last year, just the quickest of words on the answering machine tape. I wish there was more. You sounded far more country than I remembered. I also listened to your funeral for the first time since it happened this year, I even put the audio of it up on the internet with a slideshow of images of you https://youtu.be/0o-OeM8qRVc

You know, I’ve lived almost 64% of my life without you. That kinda sucks. I wonder what you’d be doing if you were still here. I wonder what you’re doing now. I wonder what you’d think of me as a wildly bearded, balding, GED toting, overweight, stuck in a dead-end job in an entry-level position 15 years after hiring in.

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up. I’ll talk to you next year.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.

Past letters.

In 9 days you'll have been dead 22 years.

No developments in my professional life, no lotteries won, no exciting vacations or trips. I'm getting married race weekend (maybe, I'll get to that) so there's that. Can't say I ever imagined a world where that would happen but wow it is!

Aaron's mom died of cancer, rather quickly, last year. I didn't even know she was sick. Little Billy's mother died of cancer just after Thanksgiving, he got to spend her last moments with her like I did you and I hate that he had to go through that. A friend from high school, Marcus, apparently overdosed and died last year leaving behind a woman and several children both step and biological A few weeks later someone else I went to high school with, Jeff, also overdosed and died on heroin and I later found out the same guy sold to both of them and may have been present when at least one of them overdosed and did nothing to help.

Mom's health is up and down, mostly down. She's supposed to have more surgery on the 10th and be released on the 11th... I don't like that timing. At all. Not one bit. She’s been waiting to have that surgery for quite a while now though so I guess that’s just how it has to be.

A previously unseen virus has been making its way around the world. As I write this letter there have been 89,832 confirmed cases worldwide with the true number believed to be much higher. 3,061 confirmed deaths are attributed to the virus with the first 2 in the United States happening this past weekend. 10-11 days ago South Korea had 33 cases, as of right now they have 4,335 cases... that gives an idea as to how this thing is spreading. As a result of the virus the stock market has fallen sharply and likely entered a correction, cargo ships have been leaving China nearly empty for weeks now, shortages for things like toilet paper and hand sanitizer have in multiple countries and the runs on groceries and supplies started in the United States this weekend.

People have been advised, or in some cases forced, to self-quarantine for a minimum of two weeks. I can feed mom and I for a few months if need be but if she gets this virus it will most likely kill her. Given my past respiratory issues with bronchitis and pneumonia I'm not so certain that it wouldn't kill me either. We share desks at work so I've been liberally using hand sanitizer and using sanitary wipes every morning on my desk. As I write this though I hear someone coughing, is it the normal flu or is it Covid-19?

Oh! Roger Penskey bought the Indianapolis Motor Speedway!!! If this year's race happens it should be very interesting. He's been doing a lot of work at the track as a fan trying to improve the experience for fans and teams both. Abby has a podcast... um a podcast is like a radio show but it is released on the internet and can be listened to on-demand, where her and her co-host talk about racing. They've become friends with Doug Boles, the President of IMS, and get a lot of cool access. It's neat that she has that opportunity and that Roger bought the track. I really hope the virus doesn't mess with this year's race but events are being cancelled all over the world, this weekend the Louvre museum in Paris closed due to the virus. The Pope may also have the virus, he's been sick and cancelling appearances for several days now after meeting with those that did have the virus. Who knows if the race will happen, nearly 3 months is a long time.

We've scheduled to get married the Saturday before the race, the virus could change that though. We may have to adapt on the fly and are trying to have a contingency plan for a worst case scenario. She's fun, she's a high school teacher currently living in Missouri and has a big family. As soon as her teaching year is up she'll be coming here, that's why the wedding is race weekend, it's the first weekend she'll be done with her teaching year.

This year will be interesting I imagine. Hopefully the virus burns out quickly and doesn't have much of an impact on the world but it definitely has the potential of doing damage similar to the Spanish Flu. The economic impacts alone are already pretty noteworthy.

Bun is well, he's definitely entering his dotage but I'll figure out a way to prolong his life.

Past letters.

23AD (After Dad), letter to my father 2021

22AD (After Dad), letter to my father 2020