Chuck Lorre Productions #362

She was the kind of woman who said, "I hope this special day is infused with beauty and light and that all your hopes and dreams crystalize into a loving reality emanating from an equally loving universe." He would have been more comfortable if she just said, "Happy birthday."

He was the kind of man who said, "Whenever I see one of those tired, middle-aged balding schmucks pushing a baby carriage down Montana Avenue behind his thirty-year old, yoga-fied, Pilate-sized, armoire shopping, second wife, I can't help but feel a wave of pity for the poor, toad-like bastard." She would have been more comfortable if he just said, "I don't really want more kids."

She was the kind of woman who said, "What difference does it make if I've slept with rock stars, movie stars and sports legends? You measure up quite nicely to all those guys." He would have been more comfortable if she just said, "Stand sill while I stab you in the heart with my intrauterine device."

He was the kind of man who said, "I'm a worn-out, emotional wreck who's incapable of anything resembling warmth, love and intimacy, but I have a lot of money and you'll never want for anything." She would have been more comfortable if he just said... NO, actually she was entirely comfortable with the way he put it.

-Chuck Lorre

Note, 'crystalize' while this isn't entirely wrong I, and most spellcheck dictionaries, prefer crystallize but hey he's the one getting paid the big bucks.

-Ryan Mercer