(no subject)

Its Dad's anniversary in 6 days... *sighs*. I miss him... I miss him so much. Somewhere around this day a few years ago... when we took him to the hospital for the last time... me and him got into an argument... about stupid stuff... a month or so before I told him I hated him... We didn't really talk much... accept when he said goodbye toward the end of february/beginning of march. He knew his time was close... I didn't though. I was in denial. My dad was my best friend of all time. He taught me so much yet it seems like so little. There is so much more I wish I could have learned from him... and done with him. I apologized to him for saying I hated him... and for arguing with him his last few days. He was on a respirator... and life support... that allowed him not to be able to say to me that he accepted my apology. To this day I hate myself for that... for not being able to say sorry earlier... and hear him say he accepted it... I know he did... several people have told me that he would have... but I just needed to hear it. I'll always long for that. I didn't even get a last good bye from him... the last goodbye I got from him was in late February. but on March 11th... when we took him off life support... all I could do was hold his hand... for the first time in days I felt strength in his hand. I thought that he was going to make it... for about 45 minutes... as long as I held his hand... he kept squeezing gently... probably as hard as he could... he was suffering for me... he didn't want to leave me... but as soon as I let go of his hand... just seconds later he died... right there... while I was crying... holding him tightly in my arms... It was the saddest experience I'll ever have... not only because I was losing him... but because his fellow state police officers... who were trained not to cry... and not to show emotion... were all standing together... there... with us... crying just like me... At his showing I only left his side for a few minutes now and then... once to eat... once to use the bathroom... and once to rest my feet. The last night he spent in our house me and Bob-0(Aaron) had went to bed somewhat early because we were going to do something in the morning... I forget what though. It was about 9:27 when we laid down... about 9:31 mom was yelling for us to come help dad up... he had tried to get out of his recliner without help and it had tipped forward... you know what thats like... I'm sure... Well... we could not move him... it was like he was already dead... he was just a limp sack of bricks... eventually we got him up and to the hospital... a few hours later they told us he had a quart or so of liquid in his lungs... the cancer was finally totally shutting down his body... they drained the liquid... and about a half hour later they asked him if it was ok to put him on a respirator... he had to answer them by writing it in a weak... crooked... decayed hand writing. He looked at me then as if to say he was sorry... I think his final good-bye to me was then. After that Lynn came and picked up me and Aaron... it was probably about 2 in the morning... we went to bed then I got up first thing in the morning. They brought me by the house... I grabbed some clothes... and grabbed my first books from Sci-Fi book club that had just arrived to read at the hospital... the next few days I slept on the window sill next to dad. Then they moved him to intensive care... so I had to sleep in the waiting room... and got to visit with him for about an hour and a half twice a day. The last day they let us spend all day with him. I miss him. I always will... there isn't anything I, or anyone else can ever do about that. Thats just the way things will be. Mila new he was dead... for being a dog she was pretty smart... when we came home that night... she new... she hasn't been the same since... she was dad's dog... At the funeral it was horribly cold and nasty out... it was very muddy. On the way to the cemetary... their were officers at the street corners... playing taps. That is reserved for officers killed in the line of duty... they didn't care though... they played anyway for dad. They came to full attention as the hurse passed with his casket. It was the best they could do to honor him but he deserved so much more. The cemetary was nasty... I did not shed one tear at the funeral... I merely talked to him in my head... prayed that he would be sitting at home when we got back... just waiting for me... so we could go see a movie... or play gin rummy... or do anything... He wasn't there... but at the funeral... one single long stem rose fell from the casket as it was lowered... I grabbed it... I kept it... I still have its petals to this day. They were the last thing he ever gave to me. For months afterwards I had trouble going to school... I'd always come out... and look for him... expect him to be standing there with the dog to walk the whopping block home... or I'd go out and look for his tauras... or the truck... waiting to get picked up and go somewhere.. We moved... to here... I'd come out of the school... to head onto the cursed busses... and I'd hope to seem him parked outside waiting for me. Only time it ever happened was in my dreams. My birthday also draws near. 18 days till it... I hate my birthdays now... I was upset at him at first... for dying 12 days before my 13th birthday. I got over it just recently. It wasn't his fault. He was so strong... and faught... he would have died aroud christmas if it wasn't for his strong will... that would have truly been horrible. I miss him... god damn do I miss him.
Dad- I miss you... I love you... I always will... I'm sorry for saying I hated you... forgive me.
Ashlie- I won't bug you about what I said today after school
Devin- Can't wait till you get a job and can start fixin the monty up cuz...
Laura- Sorry I've hurt you so much...
Josh- Hang in there man... life will get better
Cheryl- I know its early... but happy birthday if I don't talk to you before friday
Cassie- Miss ya... still wish you wouldn't have dropped out
Pascifist- Haven't seen you online much lately... its kinda depressing
Brittney- I'll find out about what I said I would for ya
Brandy- I dunno what to say to you... I really don't... I'm sorry I guess...
Anyone else- Live happy lives... never say you hate someone... even if you mean it.
Ciao..
AxisMundi
Lorcan Tierney
Ryan Mercer
The Wolf