So after getting 3 hours of sleep Monday night I got up and worked a 13 hour day then came home to be screamed and cussed out by mom (I'm regularly her outlet when she has an issue with anyone or anything and then she'll deny doing as much to me and anyone else that calls her on it... SOP for her side of the family) and started attacking some of the downed oak with my camp saw that resembles a giant pocket knife cutting off a bunch of pieces that would be good for whittling. She wants me to leave the rest until the insurance adjuster comes out and they said 2-3 days. The house is a POS ( I cover it some in this post) and I bet the deductible will be higher than the cost to put up a new section of gutter so just another issue I have to deal with sigh. Trying to find friends/coworkers that have fireplaces that want to come get the larger sections for firewood as the house is in the burbs and wood fires are a strict no-no unless one has a fireplace (and we don't). Gotta get the crap up before the Barney Fife code-enforcement nazi comes and starts fining us (I bet he gives us a warning today, it's just job to drive around town all day every day finding things to cite people for, he will get us every spring for our silver maple's branches not being 7 or 8ft above the sidewalk).
My corn is all dying as is most of the corn here in Indiana due to the considerable rain we've had the past month. My tomatoes are loving it though, I keep cutting bits of the umpteen mulberry trees that are trying to grow through the falling-down-fence and using those sections of branch as stakes for my tomatoes. Between my 6 Roma plants I have probably 50 tomatoes already and many many more buds (and the plants are still growing considerably), a handful of my other plants in another variety have started budding this week and my other varieties are still probably 3-4 weeks from buds as they got started later. I have 4 blueberry bushes going good from seed but we )well my disabled mother, it's in her name) will walk away from this POS house (that she's upside down on and needs tens of thousands of dollars of repairs) long before they start producing but a nice gift to whoever has the property next.
I'm tired of breathing black mold, I'm tired of having to put toilet tissue in the trash, I'm tired of washing dishes in buckets because the plumbing is so screwed up and having to dump those buckets outside several times a day. Tired of having to dump the air conditioner bucket multiple times a day when it's humid. All of this on top of mom's mobility tanking fast and her social security disability still not coming in. Most days I just want to give up on ever having a house that could be considered livable and an acre or ten to homestead. Most days lately I don't even want to get out of bed. God, could you just help me?! Nudge some people toward http://www.igaveabuck.com maybe? Or maybe just find another target for a bit?
I wish I could find a partner/spouse that wants to homestead.
Seriously! Is it too much to ask to find someone that wants to live on 1-10 acres (or more if we can afford it, I sure as hell can't, that's my problem!)
that is mostly a homebody, that wants to build up 100-200sqft of raised bed gardens that we plant in every spring eating what we need fresh and putting the rest up via canning, that wants to also plant various berry bushes and trees around the perimeter of our property that we also harvest, someone that after work just wants to come home and work our little slice of land before retiring to the house for the evening and enjoying each other's company or reading or tinkering with whatever hobbies we might have? Is it too much to ask to actually be able to enjoy life?
Seriously, I haven't enjoyed life for two decades. For those of you that don't know me well... dad died 12 days before my 13th birthday on March 11th of all days (11, 12, 13). It was cancer so we knew it was coming. Dad was my best friend and I've never found a friend that could replace the friendship we had. I took that hard and made bad choices for the rest of school before ultimately taking a GED instead of going for a few more months and graduating. I then attempted an online associates degree and that fizzled out. Now I'm 30 and counting, I make a pitiful 31k a year and have to take on more and more as mom keeps getting worse (she retired early via disability and has started having her mobility tank severely the past month on top of her other health issues). I work, I go home and try and keep the third-world hovel that we live in as functional as I can and then I just collapse on the couch. Not even TV interests me anymore, I turn it on but I mostly just mentally check out. I'm not there, I'm not anywhere. My brain just shuts down until bedtime and then I retire to my bed hoping that I'll have dreams, good or bad, just to get away from my life for a bit while I sleep.
Why can't I find someone with similar interests and desires and goals that has an income and is avaialble and actually interested in me. As it stands I can't live the life I want (a simple, honest life). My job is boring and repetitive and soul-sucking and it's more soul-sucking/soul-crushing/frustration/worry/unpleasantness at home.
I want a refund. I didn't sign up for this. Hell I can't even find a little bit of help via my Masonic Brothers at my Lodge. Our Worshipful is on vacation, a small tree fell on his fence and Brothers rushed over to trim it. I asked on the post on Facebook where he thanked them and showed photos if someone could drive the few blocks over to our house and take a few pictures of the tree in our yard/on our house in case the neighbor had it cut up/removed before I could get home from my 13 hour day and... crickets. CRICKETS. Not even a "sorry I'm busy or at work" and it had 30 something likes and multiple comments when I asked. I then asked on my Facebook feed. Crickets. CRICKETS! People come to me the SECOND they need or want something that they even remotely think I can help with, but damn I just needed someone to drive by the house and take 2-3 photos with their phone and not a single damn person could be bothered to help me.
To use a Masonic phrase "O Lord my God is there no help for the widow's son?!" Seriously. My life has been punch after punch, blow after blow, kick to the rubs after kick to the ribs for more than half of my life now. Family isn't around when I need help, friends aren't around when I need help, Brothers aren't around when I need help. If I was on fire I imagine someone with a full bladder couldn't even be bothered to piss on me. When is life going to cut me some slack, hell I don't need some mysterious person to swoop in and give me rainbows and pegacorns and dry-aged beef and checks for hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars, I just need the Fates to find someone else to use as a punching bag for like 5 minutes before I have a mental fracture and go catatonic and start drooling on myself!
Anyway. Vent/rant/whining over. Time to retreat back into my head and try and create a delusion that seems real enough to believe that's even a fraction better than reality.